I Never Write On Here Anymore...

I write constantly. I really do. However, it seems like I've gotten to a point where I write for everyone else. I've stopped writing for myself. Which, really, is what this is. Sorry, but I just don't care that much who reads it.

My other writing is starting to take off. I'm doing radio shows. I'm working. I'm churching. I'm moving. I'm in weddings. In short, my new Blackberry has been put to very good use the past couple months. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm happy.

Amazing, right? It's funny how I was so busy I couldn't see straight for 5 years while I was getting myself through college, and all I could think about was not being so busy when I got out. I guess the difference is what I'm actually busy with. I'm busy with the RIGHT things this time. I'm spending time with my favorite people. I'm playing my guitar for the first time since I moved to Tennessee. It's good.

I don't miss Nashville - I DO, however, miss my friends. It's weird leaving a period of your life behind so completely. Everything changed at once - my roommates, my house, my job, my location, everything was different. Between August 8th and August 10th every physical part of my life changed. Now that I've adjusted, I'm moving on to yet another chapter - I move again in a couple weeks.

God is good, and my relationship with Him has been solid and constant. It's easy to lose him in the everyday when life swallows you whole. I'm so grateful that my distractions are limited here, that even in the business I somehow manage to regain focus when I need it. I'm grateful for the people I spend my time with, that they're here to keep me on track. That they ask me how I'm doing. That they know what the answer is even when I don't give them the full story.

On that note, I'm off for a much needed night out with friends. It's amazing what can happen over a pizza. :-)

Emotional Barf

The past couple days have been spent almost entirely in isolation. I have been reading, writing, catching up on rest, praying, and generally contemplating things I don't normally spent a lot of time on. Still is one thing I am not. I am working on that.

I finished The Shack this morning. So much has been written about it - I don't want to review it. The discussion about forgiveness and suffering hit me like a ton of bricks in the midst of a painful week in my life. I forget sometimes that forgiveness is a process. It's not something I can do once. It's something I have to remind myself to do over and over again. Eventually, I won't have to remind myself anymore.

Relationship is not necessary a part of forgiveness. I can let go of the bitterness that accompanies past hurts and not be obligated to allow the offender into my life on a regular basis. Right now, I am not equipped to handle it. Proverbs talks about guarding your heart above all else. Right now, that means keeping a distance from certain people in my life.

Some scars I will have forever - visual, blatant reminders of things I'd rather forget most of the time. I am reminded of them every time I look in a mirror. Some have faded, and will continue to do so. Some I will never see, but always feel. Some are still open wounds that need time to heal. Until I allow them to do so, I'm just pouring salt in them and robbing myself of the fulfillment that comes with forgiving those who've hurt me, with giving them grace. I have not healed. I'm not sure I know how, but I'm confident that it's going to require some changes in my daily relationships. Changes I have no idea how to make.

How do you explain to those who have known you since birth that you need them out of your life - even if it's just for a while? It has nothing to do with love. I have never not loved them. If I'm still responding violently to current circumstances because of past hurts, does it make sense to stay in that place? Until I can show them the love and forgiveness I am trying so hard to find, I'm just reopening these wounds and letting them bleed me dry.

I am trying to keep it in perspective and remind myself that forgiveness is a process. It is not something that will always be received. It is first for me, to remove one more barrier between me and God. If that bitterness is in my heart, it's impossible to give and receive love. It spills over into other areas of my life, poisoning other relationships. It will continue to eat away at me until there is nothing left.

That's where I am. I don't know what else to do right now but pray for the sound mind and strength to get through these conversations and the gentility to do it without destroying people I love and damaging relationships irreparably. The latter has not been my strong suit as of late.

I'm Really Jaded.

Yesterday I went to Big Lots to pick up a some furniture. Which is never really a good experience... you know what I'm talking about if you've ever been there. First of all, the store is always in a sketchy part of town. You know, like the part of town that I live in. Second, the people that work there don't really want to be there. Who can blame them? I probably wouldn't want to be there either.

So anyway, I decide I need something, and that I can get a good price on it there. I call (using (800) Goog-411, which you should all use - it's free and better than 411) ahead to make sure they have what I need and get transferred around 4 times. I go in there fully expecting to be ignored. Instead, a man named Anderson had set aside my items for me before I got there, carried them to the front, waited while I paid, and then helped me load everything into my car. I don't think I've been treated so well in ANY store in a long time.

It sort of made me sad that this is what I've come to expect. I don't know when I got so jaded. Why don't I always expect the best of people? Why don't I expect politicians to uphold the law instead of break it? I think people live up to the expectations that you set for them in most cases - and when we set those expectations too low, we won't be disappointed. It applies in so many areas of our life. Why don't we expect huge things from ourselves? From God? From the people in our life? I think we'd be surprised by how many expectations are met.

Epic.

This was so incredible I couldn't NOT post it.

Was Jesus a Socialist?

So anyone that knows me knows where I stand politically - disagree with me or not, it doesn't really matter. And in the grand scheme of things, God has it under control anyway, and I know that he isn't sitting up there stressing, wringing his hands, wondering how it's going to turn out. He already knows. That said, this is not going to be about which candidate I'm voting for.

I've had some interesting questions raised this week about how Jesus would want us to vote for this candidate or that candidate. For starters, God isn't a democrat or republican. There are views on both ends that contradict what I read in the Bible. However, I read a really interesting argument that has had me rethinking everything: Socialism is Biblical.

From Matthew 25:

35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Clearly, Jesus wants us to take care of each other. We are called, as believers, to give of ourselves, to put each others' needs before our own. The communal life of the early church was inherently socialist, giving one's possessions, selling them off in order to contribute to the Church. However, I believe that there is a distinction between communal life between a group of believers and Socialism on a government level.

This may be politically incorrect, but here goes: The underlying premise of Christianity is NOT equality. It is salvation through Jesus. Period. That is not to say that God has favorites; he loves us all equally. But does that mean he means for us all to be completely equal in THIS world? Clearly he didn't, or we wouldn't have such different strengths and weaknesses, experiences and opportunities.

Let's stay in Matthew 25. Jesus tells two stories about a master who goes away for a long time. Who is this master he’s talking about? He is referring to himself, and we are the servants he has left to take care of business in his absence. We are stewards - he has entrusted us with the world.

This parable contains two important truths: The first is that the source of our wealth comes from God. He’s the one who gives. He’s also the one who takes away. The second is that God will give us not what we think we deserve, but what he knows we can handle.

He gave five bags of silver to one, two bags of silver to another, and one bag of silver to the last—dividing it in proportion to their abilities.

The NIV translation says that the master gave 5 talents to one, 2 talents to another, and 1 talent to the last. But what’s a talent? A talent is equal to 75 pounds of silver. The price of silver today is $9.66 per ounce, which is $154.56 per pound. So, to put this story into today’s terms, understand that the first person received 375 pounds of silver amounting to a total of $57,960. The second person received 150 pounds of silver amounting to a total of $23,184. The third person received 75 pounds of silver amounting to $11,592. Jesus said that the master divided the money in proportion to their abilities.

Now those of us who know the story know what happens. The first two doubled the master’s investment in them, which pleases their master.

Well done, my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful in handling this small amount, so now I will give you many more responsibilities. Let’s celebrate together!

The third servant buried what he had and merely returned what he had been given. He harbored resentment toward his master for giving the others more. Clearly, the unequal distribution chafed him a little. The master, however, doesn't redistribute the wealth. He actually takes away the little that the third servant had and gave it to those who were faithful. Sound like socialism? Actually, it's the exact opposite.

God gives to us according to what we can handle. He knows our hearts and our intentions. He didn’t give all the talents all at once. He started out with a little amount and then, when the servants showed that they were faithful to him with a little, He promised to give them even more responsibilities. Even more will be given to those who use well what they are given.

Use well. What does that mean?

If we keep reading, we’ll see Jesus divide those who remain after he leaves into two groups: the goats and the sheep. The sheep will get to be with him in His kingdom, but the goats will be thrown into the lake of fire.

There is a clear mandate, then, that those who will be sheep — the same ones who the Lord just praised for using well the resources he gave them — are to use those resources wisely. They are to feed the hungry, provide for clothing, visit and comfort the sick and the imprisoned. They are to love their neighbors in the course of their lives. No where in this parable does Jesus tell us to pass off this mandate onto the government. All these things are individual acts of love.

The goats are the ones who are like the servant who buried his money in the ground, full of resentment that he didn’t get a bigger share of the pie. But there may be times that we act more like goats than like sheep. Too many of us just pass on by the tenements and the homeless shelters without even a second thought because we know that the single mom is getting formula for her baby through WIC. We don’t concern ourselves much with getting our hands dirty in helping the poor, the sick, and the imprisoned because we figure there’s plenty of governmental assistance. And when we do this…when we rely on our government to do the mandate that Jesus himself gave us…then doesn’t that make us look suspiciously like goats?

So, there's my two cents. Are you a goat, or are you a sheep? I so want to be a sheep!

Why is it colder INSIDE than OUTSIDE?

So clearly the temperature has dropped this week - by a lot. Anyone who knows me knows how much I absolutely LOVE the cold... but I'm not gonna lie, I'm still sort of enjoying it. Don't tell anyone. However, it's gotten cold enough that Sunday night we decided to cut the heat on for the first time.

The roomie turned up the thermostat, and we all went to bed. The next morning, it's roughly 36 degrees in my bedroom. I lay there for 40 minutes, beneath 4 blankets with my dog curled up next to me, absolutely dreading the inevitable. There would be no showering. I pulled on two shirts, a winter coat, jeans, and shoes before even making it out to the kitchen. My roommates were similarly dressed, huddling over the oven. All we needed was a trash can fire and we might have looked like we belonged in our neighborhood...

Clearly, our heat wasn't working. And of course, you never figure that out until you actually NEED the heat. After railing for an entire day aginst the landlord, I get home to find my roommate in the living room, wearing a hat, sweater, and several blankets. She says the landlord came over and explained why the heat wasn't working...

We didn't turn on the gas. Naturally, our heat is gas. After trying hard not to laugh at us, he explained that we needed to call and have them turn it on. Thanks.

Meanwhile, we have to wait at least 48 hours for them to come hook us up. Here's to space heaters and lots of blankets...

George Soros: Owner, Democratic Party.

So, like almost everyone else in America, this bailout makes me want to vomit.  SNL finally got one right... this is brilliant. I would embed it, but it gets yanked from youtube and hulu within minutes every time it's posted.

Banned SNL Bailout Sketch

My favorite moments are at the end.  

Life in the Barrio

So most of you know that basically, we moved to the mexican ghetto (aka the barrio). I absolutely love it here. A couple posts back I mentioned the neighborhood ministry we've started here, and I just wanted to give a quick update.

Things have been going well. Obviously, there are some kids we are getting to know better than others. Today might have been the coolest day yet. I got home from work to find 4 kids playing in our front yard. So I talked to them for a minute, and then asked if they wanted to help me make rice krispy treats. Clearly, that was a hit. The next thing I know, we've got 8 kids in the house eating rice krispy treats and begging us to go play in the yard with them. Liz and I took them outside and played games - soon we had 12 kids in our back yard.

After the mosquitoes started to attack, we came inside for sweet tea and I popped in a movie to chill them out a little. Like I said, there were 12 kids, ranging in age from 6 to 13. They were all just thrilled that they got to come over and hang out - it's so cool to have the opportunity to build solid relationships with them. I'm so excited that they LIKE us! It's amazing how well kids respond when you spend time with them.

Anyway, if you could pray about that it would be greatly appreciated. For guidance for us, for the kids, and for our relationships with their families, so this can continue.

Trees... trees... TELEPHONE POLE.... trees... trees...

This weekend I decided that it would be fun to take some of my favorite kids camping at the beach. Harmless enough, right? I knew it would be chaotic, but figured I could handle it and we left Friday after work. We got there late and set up the tent, grilled some hot dogs, walked around the beach - it was pretty laid back and all was going well.

12:30am. The kids decide to go to bed, the boys in their tent and the girls and I outside on a tarp with our blankets.

1am. A SUV rolls up full of people - 3 guys and 3 girls, roughly my age. They're loud. Really loud. Country music blaring from the car, starting fires, and generally being obnoxious. I gave it half an hour before I about lost it.

1:30am. I go over to them and ask them to turn down the music. I get a non-commital "What? Oh sure." I go back and lay down again.

1:45am. Pretty sure it's getting ridiculous. I decide to go find one of the cops patrolling the beach. When that failed, I called the non-emergency Carolina Beach Police line. They said they'd send someone out. We go back to our site and lay down, waiting for them to get there.

2am. Random guy from SUV approaches. Drops his pants. Our conversation went something like this:

Guy with his butt hanging out: Where's my bon fire? I seem to have lost my bon fire. Can you tell me where my bon fire is?
Me: You really need to leave.
Guy With His Butt Hanging Out: I can't find my bon fire.
Me: These girls are 13 years old. You really need to get out of here.
Guy With His Butt Hanging Out: (voice cracking) Really?!
Me: Yeah. Go.

Meanwhile, Girl In Bikini is kneeling beside the boys tent taking picture of the whole thing. Because you ALWAYS want to document your flashings. Duh.

The slight panic in his voice was definitely classic.

I grab the girls and we walk down the beach a little, not wanting to hang out by random half naked guy.

2:05am. Cops arrive. Complete overkill, two huge vehicles, one of which is a ridiculous humvee. Blue lights flash all the way down the beach. The kids and I wait in the truck and watch them bust the drunkies... one girl burns her foot on a hot coal, general ridiculousness ensues. The verdict? Can't put them on the road and make them leave, so they drive them down to the other end of the beach away from us and all was well with the world.

A night in the life... you wish you were me. Don't lie. ;-)


PS - if you're confused about the title... don't be, it shouldn't make any sense to you.

Out of My Element...

So let's talk about the real world vs. the music industry. Because seriously, I am so out of my element here. I'm adjusting. Slowly. But anyone who knows what the music industry is like can understand this... in my office, I could pretty much wear whatever I wanted. There was no dress code. If they'd ever asked me to wear pantyhose, I probably would have laughed. My dog came to work with me. We broke out wine for meetings at 2pm and served it in coffee cups. Dog walking breaks were totally normal, as were random popsicle and smoothie field trips. And that's pretty standard fare on Music Row.

This month, I'm temping at a medical firm in RTP. Which is great, don't get me wrong. I really like it here. But this whole 9-5:30, pantyhose-requiring, grown up office is taking some getting used to. The scary thing is, I'm sort of enjoying it. I always thought I'd hate the corporate world. The idea of a real job always irritated me... but oddly enough, the routine is nice. I've never had one of those before. I'm enjoying the relative stability. For now, I need it. That will probably change - I'll get restless and want to do something more challenging and more exciting, and I will, I have no doubts. But having the time and money to go to the beach and go camping is pretty sweet, I'm not gonna lie.

I don't think it's sunk yet in that I'm not a college student anymore.